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Sunday, 29 May 2011

Possibly the Bravest Post I've Done...Momentum!

I've decided that the only way I'm going to get motivated enough to really stick at the latest in a long line of failed diet attempts is to open up to everyone.  I want to share what I see when I look in the mirror.  I want to express the feeling of vulnerability and the desire to change.  I want to write a post that inspires me to do it for the long haul.

Since having Freddy I've lost over 3 stone, although the last stone has gone back on and off over the last 12 months.  It is that stone which is my problem.  It is that stone that I want to shake off and put behind me for good.  It is that stone that reminds me that I am weak, that I am undisciplined with my diet and that I am a failure.  It is that stone which terrifies me, taunts me and mocks my attempts.  But it is also the stone that I hide behind.  The one that almost comforts me, as it strips away any expectations.  It enables my gluttony.  It is my feeder.  It tells me "What difference does it make what you eat...you're fat anyway?"  It manipulates, lies and smirks as I eat another piece of cake or two.

For every part of me that wants to change, there is an equal part that fears that change.  It is ridiculous.  But it is that that sabotages my attempts.  Something buried deep inside that doesn't want to give up the greed and the comfort of limitless food.  It holds on tight.  I wish I could unearth why.

When I was younger I was thin.  My eating disorders, my rebellion and my control, maintained a skinny figure.  But I wasn't happy.  I look at photos of me with that body...5ft 11" and sylph-like...and wonder why I wasn't ecstatically happy, confident and in control.  Instead I was a depressed self harmer with no self-esteem who found myself single and pregnant at 18.  We are promised by the media and told by the multi-million dollar diet industry that slim equals happy.  We are told that the secret to happiness is to shed those last few pounds.  We are shown images of smiling women, spinning round in floaty dresses and posing next to giant jeans that they used to wear.  If only life was that simple.

As a Teenager
Pregnancy and the birth of my son turned my life around and put me on the path to where I am now.  My life has become a happy place where I feel content, safe and secure.  My adoring husband is supportive, complimentary, passionate and he loves me regardless of what size I am.  And over the years that we have been together, I have been many sizes!

Yet still this elusive weight related utopia beckons to me.  I want it, I really do.  These pictures show why.

Christmas 2009, and I'm stuffing in Ferrero Rochers in a "How Many Can You Eat In One Minute" contest with my family. I do well in these gluttony based competitions...funny that!

Christmas 2009
My sister got married in February of the following year.  I lost nearly 2 stone in 2 months.  I bought an outfit and some new wardrobe staples in size 16.  Within a few weeks, the new wardrobe I bought was too big.  Unworn size 16 jeggings still languish in my wardrobe.

February 2010
I have yo-yoed since then...stone on, stone off, but I am wearing size 14 clothes now.  The jeans are actually way too big and I always end up looking like a builder...not a good look.  I got brave and bought myself some size 12 jeans for Cybermummy and they fit well.  But they do unnerve me a little...since buying them I've been back to my old binging.  I've put on 5 lbs!

May 2011
I've just embarked on a Thinking Slimmer Slimpod Trial to "Lose 2 Jean Sizes" (available in Autumn) alongside a "Chocoholic Cure" .  The hypnosis MP3's have worked for me before, until my subconscious came along and sabotaged my success.  I had a phone call with Sandra (the founder of Thinking Slimmer) and discussed my 'problem' at length and this latest combination of Slimpods could help me on my way.  I am feeling more empowered.  My other weapon is my Diet Plate which helps immensely with portion control.  It is an excellent tool for making sure you don't over eat at meal times.  I'm also priveleged to be friends with some lovely ladies on Twitter including the lovely Liska who have the MomemTum group.  Support from other women sharing the same experiences is very powerful and motivating.

I'll leave you with the physical embodiment of the extra stone.  My belly.  Five pregnancies and an adulthood of yo-yo diets have resulted in something resembling over handled dough.  It's not attractive and it hangs over my waistband when I sit down.  I want it gone.  Now I've shown everyone what lurks beneath the baggy jumpers...I have a duty to get rid of it.

What lurks beneath!
Cybermummy is so close now!  I want to feel full of confidence as I walk in!  I want to look nice.  I don't want to hide beneath a baggy top.  I was tweeting last night about what to wear...I really want a gorgeous top.  But I don't even know what a gorgeous top would look like.  I hate clothes shopping.  I wish I had a Gok Wan to give me a hand!!  First things first though....diet starts NOW!!!!!

24 comments:

  1. Hi Wendy
    I flicked through the photos and haven't read anything yet, but now I want to know why you look AMAZING in the photo from May 2011 .... when you look older etc... in Christmas 2009.....
    Lucky for you it is THAT way round, so that must be a good sign no? Looks like you are more than half way there no?
    Will have a read now to better understand.
    Liska xxx

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  2. Hey Mrs, it's a blog hop so feel free to click "get the code here" and add it to the bottom of your post xxx

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  3. Okay, read and understood EVERY word, but wow Mrs you are a size 12. GO YOU! And lose that 5 lb! You know you can. Give up bread/wheat/yeast for a week and you'll do that.
    Lots of love and thanks for further inspiration.

    You look STUNNING in the May 2011 picture. Like someone in their late 20s who's just had their FIRST baby, not 5th :-)

    Liska x

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  4. Well done for opening up wendy. And all I can say is I wish my belly looks as good as yours. That would be mine on a very good day!i'm a bit of a yo yo dieter too. Weekends are my downfall. I need to get my arse in gear now though as I have a book launch , Ascot ladies day , Glastonbury and Take That all this month so detox starts tomorrow . Good luck with that last stone. You can do it. X

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  5. God couldn't we all talk forever about weight gain and loss..? I used to yo-yo like crazy but since having kids it fell off me (don't hate me for it!) I now find I have a healthy relationship with food simply because I don't think about it all day long and beat myself up about it like I used to. Oh and I still have a belly that hangs over my jeans!

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  6. Wendy you look fabulous, I know sometimes when people say it you don't really believe it, but honestly I look at these photos and I can't believe you have had 5 children. I am feeling really low about the way I look at the moment and your tummy is flatter than mine and I have had one baby!

    Well done on joining up with the Momentum ladies and can't wait to see how you get on! x

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  7. I have to say that after 5 children your stomach really doesn't look that bad, and one stone over is still good. I put 4 stone on with Jenson!! I have joined slimming world because I will not be having any more children and I want to be rid of my extra flab and weight asap!
    I think you are very brave to post a pic and I wish you lots of luck in your weight loss mission xx

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  8. What a great post showing you through the years. I love the model pose in your teens! I agree you look radiant in the 2011 picture. My first impression when I saw your tummy (well done I wouldn't get mine out) is that it's in pretty good shape! and you have had 5 kids. We all have rounded tummy's as we are supposed to and that's what yours looks like to me :-). Looking forward to reading more in the weeks to come and meet the already trim you at Cybermummy xx

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  9. wow, you are brave! but i agree with everyone so far, you look fab!! i'm still trying to lose weight after having the twins, i'm getting there slowly but surely but like kate said, i dont beat myself up about it either, as long as your weight is coming off and not back on,then your doing everything right. good luck with reaching yor target.
    p.s if you need help in picking out a nice top, then i could help if your near birmingham :)

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  10. You are a brave woman, well done you. I currently am enormous, much bigger than you think you are in your ferrero rocher photo. I can't remember the last time I was a decent size. I have no stamina or will power.

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  11. Great photos & I agree with the others - after 5 pregnancies that is REALLY not bad at all! You'll get there, mainly because you really want it, & because you're ready to start. All you have to start, then you have to keep going ;) I hope my blog helps & shout if you need me!

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  12. First of all it is great to have you on board...you came back for a second week and braver than most at taking a picture of your tummy. Honestly though, considering you have had five children you are in great shape. I managed to make my stomach flat again after my first baby by using one of those ab toner belts and eating healthily I didn't have time to go to the gym..they really do work! Would recommend them, you can blog, eat and workout all at once hee hee x

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  13. Great photos & I agree with the others - after 5 pregnancies that is REALLY not bad at all! You'll get there, mainly because you really want it, & because you're ready to start. All you have to start, then you have to keep going ;) I hope my blog helps & shout if you need me!

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  14. What a great post showing you through the years. I love the model pose in your teens! I agree you look radiant in the 2011 picture. My first impression when I saw your tummy (well done I wouldn't get mine out) is that it's in pretty good shape! and you have had 5 kids. We all have rounded tummy's as we are supposed to and that's what yours looks like to me :-). Looking forward to reading more in the weeks to come and meet the already trim you at Cybermummy xx

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  15. Firstly can I say what a powerful and moving post, so open and honest.

    Secondly you are one brave lady, I could never in a million years show my tummy off like that....considering you have had 5 children though, I would say it was a tummy to be proud of!

    I am really looking forward to the support from this group, everyone seems so friendly, I'm sure we will all be able to help each other :) x

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  16. Thank you for your kind words and generous shopping offer! I'm following your blog now...I don't know how I've missed it, it's lovely!! I hope we all get the bodies we want!! xxx

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  17. Well I have only had 1 baby and my tummy is a lot bigger and covered in stretch marks. I am not brave enough to post mine, yet. You will get there! We will get you there! x

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  18. Well done Wendy considering you have carried 5 children you should be proud. You look fab and so fresh faced considering all that! But good on you to be taking on this challenge. Looking forward to seeing you at cybermummy x

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  19. Can I just say this one thing Wendy - when I met you a few weeks ago you looked FAB! That is all. xxx

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  20. I think you are beautiful.

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  21. Flattery will get you everywhere :) xxx

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  22. PR Mummy@PRMummy.com31 May 2011 18:27

    This is a fantastic post- beautifully written. You look the perfect weight in your May photo! However, I am with you where that last stone is concerned. It doesn't matter what I do, I just can't get rid of it. I'm hoping you MuMenTum girls will do the trick. Look forward to meeting you at cybermummy x

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  23. You do look fabulous in your May photo, so don't be so hard on yourself! You have done extremely well on The Diet Plate and with your other weapons... Has anyone tried the Ab circle pro - they seem to be pretty good and making core muscles and reducing waist lines?

    Seriously though Wendy, you do look fabulous and ah hem, a male member of staff just said, "gorgeous, what is she worried about"?

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  24. That made my day! Thank you! I'm coping so much better with my eating issues now. Portion control with the Diet Plate is keeping my meals in check, hypnosis is stopping the snacking. If I lose a bit more I'll be ready for an after photo post....giving full credit to all the fabulous tools I've used! I'll check out the Ab Circle Pro, thanks for the tip! x

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